Today, I saw a counselor for the first time in years.
It was productive and I felt a good first step to recovery.
Steven came with me and I was so happy and at peace because he was there with me.
But today, the adoption hit me really hard.
The things people told me, and in turn, I told myself about this all and how it would be, just simply wasn't true.
No, it hasn't gotten easier as time has gone on. I still cry about it. Often. I still struggle to get out of bed because I am so sad because I miss her so much. I am still heartbroken that I don't get to be there for her, experience her firsts, comfort her when she cries, and celebrate with her when she's happy.
No matter how much I try to say that its better because I get to see her and spend time with her, its not. In fact its almost worse. But at the same time, it'd be bad because never seeing her would be awful. Its not a win win situation by any means.
Those years are gone forever. I will never get the time back.
And it makes me incredibly sad.
I wish I could go take her back, I never would, but I wish sometimes that I could.
I wish that she was mine. That she would call me Mom.
I miss her so immensely much.
God, this hurts so much.
Who knew there was such a term as "Birthmother Grief."
But there is.
And it makes sense.
Because sometimes, its like she died.
I carried her.
Felt her move inside me.
Loved her.
Heard her heartbeat.
Gave birth to her.
Laid eyes on her.
Fell in love.
And then she was gone.
And that was it.
Gone.
Yes I still see her every now and then.
But she's a stranger to me.
I don't know what her cries mean.
I don't know what kind of formula she is on.
I don't know anything like that.
I am not her Mom.
But she is still my daughter.
Its like she died.
I found out tonight that people think I am going to change my mind about the adoption.
And I understand that they didn't mean it as an insult or a personal attack.
But it still makes me sad that they talk about me in that way behind my back.
So much sadness.
Monday, 28 September 2015
Thursday, 27 August 2015
I Sound Like A 4 Year Old.
People suck.
I am so agitated by people sometimes.
I try to make sure my friends know they're important to me and that I love them.
I try to make plans to get together.
Start conversations via facebook or text message.
Ask how they're doing.
But people don't do that with me.
I am always the one calling them.
Always the one trying to make plans to get together.
I hate it.
No one asks how I am doing.
No one reaches out to me.
I feel so isolated and left out of my church group. I see my friends all getting together and I never get an invitation to be included.
I want to be included. I need to be. These people are my support system, but it doesn't feel like they even want me around.
I know at the end of the day that they'll be there in a time of need. And I very much appreciate it, don't get me wrong.
But I don't just want people there when times are hard. I want to be included in peoples lives as a regular friend.
To some, I am 'family'. But I don't feel like I am.
I feel 110% irrelevant to people.
In the last year I've come through the worst things I have ever had to face.
Rape.
Giving away a child I love.
Missing her every day.
Wishing I didn't have to be put in that situation.
Hating him for putting me in it.
And people were there when it first happened.
People were there when I was pregnant.
People were there when I had my c section and gave Zoe to Breezi.
But they suddenly disappeared after.
When I got married they came around again.
Why does it take a huge life event for people to show interest in being in my life?
My best friend, who is equal to a sister to me, doesn't feel the same way.
I hate it.
My kids aren't equal to her sister's kids. And it kills me.
Her kids would be immensely important to me.
I just want to matter to the people who say they care about me.
My husband is incredible. He comforts me, holds me, makes me laugh, takes care of me, reassures me every day that he loves me and tells me how amazing he thinks I am.
So, him aside, I feel irrelevant to everyone in my life.
I understand people are busy and have their own things going on.
But when those people are all getting together and I am not included, it hurts me.
I am so agitated by people sometimes.
I try to make sure my friends know they're important to me and that I love them.
I try to make plans to get together.
Start conversations via facebook or text message.
Ask how they're doing.
But people don't do that with me.
I am always the one calling them.
Always the one trying to make plans to get together.
I hate it.
No one asks how I am doing.
No one reaches out to me.
I feel so isolated and left out of my church group. I see my friends all getting together and I never get an invitation to be included.
I want to be included. I need to be. These people are my support system, but it doesn't feel like they even want me around.
I know at the end of the day that they'll be there in a time of need. And I very much appreciate it, don't get me wrong.
But I don't just want people there when times are hard. I want to be included in peoples lives as a regular friend.
To some, I am 'family'. But I don't feel like I am.
I feel 110% irrelevant to people.
In the last year I've come through the worst things I have ever had to face.
Rape.
Giving away a child I love.
Missing her every day.
Wishing I didn't have to be put in that situation.
Hating him for putting me in it.
And people were there when it first happened.
People were there when I was pregnant.
People were there when I had my c section and gave Zoe to Breezi.
But they suddenly disappeared after.
When I got married they came around again.
Why does it take a huge life event for people to show interest in being in my life?
My best friend, who is equal to a sister to me, doesn't feel the same way.
I hate it.
My kids aren't equal to her sister's kids. And it kills me.
Her kids would be immensely important to me.
I just want to matter to the people who say they care about me.
My husband is incredible. He comforts me, holds me, makes me laugh, takes care of me, reassures me every day that he loves me and tells me how amazing he thinks I am.
So, him aside, I feel irrelevant to everyone in my life.
I understand people are busy and have their own things going on.
But when those people are all getting together and I am not included, it hurts me.
Friday, 21 August 2015
Today.
Today, things seem to be looking up.
Today I've realized many things.
I love Steven immensely. He's brilliant. Kind. Patient. Creative. Strong. Amazing.
And I've barely shown him that I notice and love these things about him.
I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn't consider him.
And that was wrong.
I don't regret marrying Steven. I regret how I've treated him, and if I could reverse my actions in that, I would.
But I cannot, therefore I must go on from here doing better and improving.
I just sincerely hope he was just speaking out of anger, hurt, and exhaustion with the way things had been going when he spoke of wanting a divorce. I cannot blame him at all for being tired of how I treated him, but, to go that far to speak of separation, breaks my heart.
I hope he will give me another chance and that we can leave this all behind us.
I am terrible at holding onto grudges, and I was cruel to Steven. He has said things that hurt me, and I punished him for it, and never let him forget that he hurt me. And that's not love. That's bitterness and resentment. He doesn't deserve it, I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I should not have kept bringing it up.
So from here on, I won't. Once apologies are given, forgiveness is all that'll remain.
It's easier said than done, but, I need to keep in mind that he loves me, and is not insidious, so I need to forgive him and let things go.
Today I've realized many things.
I love Steven immensely. He's brilliant. Kind. Patient. Creative. Strong. Amazing.
And I've barely shown him that I notice and love these things about him.
I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn't consider him.
And that was wrong.
I don't regret marrying Steven. I regret how I've treated him, and if I could reverse my actions in that, I would.
But I cannot, therefore I must go on from here doing better and improving.
I just sincerely hope he was just speaking out of anger, hurt, and exhaustion with the way things had been going when he spoke of wanting a divorce. I cannot blame him at all for being tired of how I treated him, but, to go that far to speak of separation, breaks my heart.
I hope he will give me another chance and that we can leave this all behind us.
I am terrible at holding onto grudges, and I was cruel to Steven. He has said things that hurt me, and I punished him for it, and never let him forget that he hurt me. And that's not love. That's bitterness and resentment. He doesn't deserve it, I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I should not have kept bringing it up.
So from here on, I won't. Once apologies are given, forgiveness is all that'll remain.
It's easier said than done, but, I need to keep in mind that he loves me, and is not insidious, so I need to forgive him and let things go.
Some ideas I've found. I am 110% committed to doing better and make up for the damage I've done. I can't fix that but I can do better from here on out.
The article:
Don't worry... you don't need to do all 50 :). And some of these ideas won't apply to your situation in life. But, I hope this list inspires you to just try ONE and re-focus on the person you love! I think it's so easy, with the stresses of parenting or working or life, to neglect giving daily love and attention to our most important relationship on earth. In marriage, we are completely known for who we are and our spouses get our best and our very worst. Luckily we can continually learn and grow as a person and a couple. Being married to my very best friend is the biggest blessing in life!!
If you ever feel that your marriage could be stronger or you feel your relationship needs a re-charge (which is always does), pick one that works for you and have fun!! I so believe that discovering ways to show love in YOUR SPOUSE'S LANGUAGE and re-discovering your FRIENDSHIP over and over again is what builds a strong marriage! So I hope one idea may help...
1. Choose to act, not re-act.
Isn't it so natural to react to others, to become offended when someone is offensive?! To mentally blow up your spouse's faults to justify your "better," standing? To reflect shortness to someone's being short or irritable? You cannot ever change others, but you have the power to choose how you act and how you love.
2. Be the first to change.
My husband and I once heard the advice to look into a “mirror,” when there’s any particular marriage issue…definitely NOT in an effort to blame yourself, but to ask yourself, “How can I change or make things better?” Or, “What can I do differently?” Really, you are the only thing you can control, and your efforts can and may inspire your spouse.
3. Flirt with each other.
It's funny how we totally flirt while dating, but once we're married we can easily forget to be fun with each other! Just because you've snagged him or her, don't stop flirting. Try to bring it back :).
4. Laugh more.
Remember when you were dating and you laughed about everything? We all can get into a rut and forget to have fun, but we need to be able to laugh at ourselves, and to not be so serious all the time. The other night, my husband and I were bantering and laughing, and I caught a glimpse of my son’s wide eyes and sheepish smile. Children secretly light up inside when they see their parents laugh and connect!
5. Text each other.
Surprise him with a spontaneous, flirty text, or a sentence about why you are so grateful for her. Finding small ways to connect during the day makes a difference.
6. Initiate intimacy.
Through extensive research and experience in married couples therapy, Dr. Willard Harley discussed the top 10 marital needs in his book "His Needs. Her Needs." The needs that women rated as their top 5 were typically men's bottom 5, and vice versa. Harley explains that the marital need of "sexual fulfillment" doesn't necessarily mean just quantity, but even more - quality. Interestingly, men feel most fulfilled and loved only when they feel their spouse is also desiring and also fulfilled. Dr. Harley counsels wives in therapy to discover how they personally can enjoy intimacy more and more, prepare for it, and especially choose to initiate.
7. Offer praise and show appreciation.
When your husband or wife works hard, or does something for you, let him or her know you appreciate them! Everyone desires to feel understood and valued. In a moment where you could become frustrated, first think of something you could be grateful for in your spouse. Interestingly, researchers have found that "praise and appreciation" are actually one of men’s top five needs in marriage.
8. Drop everything.
Try putting aside your eternal to-do lists just for a moment, and give your husband or wife your sincere, undivided attention.
9. Start a hobby together.
With our babies asleep at home one night, we decided to write a “bucket list” of fun things we wanted to do together. We love rock-climbing, so we've started buying the gear. Find something you both would enjoy!
10. Read a book together.
11. Plan a date night.
Even if it is in your own home, when the kiddos are asleep (but I love it when we actually leave the house!). If you need some fun date night ideas, click here. It’s so important to have that time to fall in love all over again - just the two of you. Find what works for you, and maybe even officially ask each other out!
12. True love is never about you.
I love the article "Marriage Isn't for You"where we learn "you marry to make someone else happy." How can you build, and serve, and add to the happiness and well-being of your spouse?
13. Feel beautiful.
Trying to oversee that four people get their teeth brushed, clothes on, hair done, and tummies fed means it’s easy for me to get last pickings on personal time. One day with all my little buddies finally strapped in car seats, we made it all the way to the store before I realized I forgot my own shoes! However, I have made it my New Year’s resolution wife-goal to somehow find a way to feel more beautiful for my husband, because it seriously makes such a difference to me.
14. Remember the "real" golden rule.
In marriage, it’s not just treating your spouse the way you want to be treated, but meeting their needs in the way they want. This takes lots of time, practice, trying and understanding - over and over again.
15. Make a surprise breakfast.
16. Say you are sorry (sincerely).
Say you are sorry even before your spouse does, and irregardless of whether he/she gives an apology, too. I love the quote by Ruth Bell Graham, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
17. Remember the power of touch.
Spontaneously decide to dedicate an entire day to as many random acts of physical touch as possible… back scratches, hugging while talking, touches in passing, etc.
18. Write a fun love note.
Maybe a "Top 10 Things I Love about My Wife," on the bathroom mirror, or post-it notes or a letter thrown in his car, or on the bedroom door.
19. Light candles and give each other massages.
20. Grab a kiss while you wait.
Kiss your husband or wife while you're waiting at the stoplight, or in the food drive-through, or at the grocery store...just because.
21. Remember the power of exits and entrances.
As you and your spouse say goodbye's and reunite again after a long day, be aware of how you show love during these important cross roads.
22. Take interest in each other's interests.
Doesn’t it make you feel close to someone when they take a keen interest in what you love?! If it matters to your spouse, then it should matter to you because you love them.
23. Dance together.
Dance in the kitchen, in the parking lot, under the stars, in your home, anywhere... as long as you both would enjoy that.
24. Verbally show appreciation for your spouse in front of your family and friends.
When with his family, for example, share real sincere appreciation for what your husband does or who he is. When you are around her friends, mention something specific you love about her.
25. Buy or make a surprise gift.
Surprise her with a fun gift that she would really enjoy. Or save the money and don't buy anything, if that's his love language!
26. Find some sanity at home.
No matter how much we all work together on cleaning and organizing our house, it usually feels so overwhelming. I do care about the environment of our home because it does affect everyone, especially me and my ability to focus more on relationships. I've also found that cleaning together as a couple can also be a good time to chat.
27. Encourage his hobbies.
It will make a huge difference, and help him to feel more balanced, and to be his best self. I sure need this, and I know he does too.
28. Take a hike or walk, while holding hands.
29. Eat an ice cream cone together.
Buy one large cone and eat it together at the same time.
30. Pray together each night.
Recently I attended a wedding ceremony where I heard some of the best marriage advice, it was this, "As you are praying together, express 1) something you love/appreciate about your spouse and 2) what you personally want to work on (to improve yourself)." If you're not a praying couple, you could just verbalize this to each other.
31. Have a wrestling match.
32. Exercise together.
One time, while doing a P90x workout, my husband caught me drinking milk during a "water break"... and dunking Oreos.
33. Cuddle while watching a movie.
34. Make his favorite treat.
35. Play a game together.
I kind of pride myself on being undefeated in Settler's...
36. Look in her eyes.
Try looking your wife straight in the eyes when she talks to you, to show her that she is your number one at that moment. Walking over to her and being close helps you be more focused on her, and helps to show you care.
37. Stick to the budget the two of you have worked out.
38. Let her sleep in.
Your wife probably seems to be the one who is always getting up with the kids, or getting up before you do. Let her sleep in from time to time. She will love you for it.
39. Smile.
Sometimes we are so bombarded with what we are doing we forget to smile. When your spouse is around or walks in the room, try smiling more.
40. Cook her favorite meal.
Even if you don't know how to cook very well. Do a little research, call your mom, and surprise her with a special meal. It will mean a lot to her.
41. Say, "I love you," in creative ways.
It's easy to say the words "I love you," but it is way more fun to leave those words for your spouse to find in creative ways. Spell it out with cereal, with lipstick on the bathroom mirror, or little game pieces while you're playing a board game.
42. Offer to help.
Your husband or wife has a kajillion things going on and it never hurts to take him or her by the shoulders and just say, "What can I do to help?"
(#43-#45 come from the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage.)
43. Soften your startup.
John Gottman wrote "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and hisresearch shows that “discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. … If you start an argument harshly – meaning you attack your spouse verbally – you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup – meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse – the discussion is likely to be productive."
44. Enhance your "love map."
Dr. Gottman describes how couples need a "richly detailed love map," which means continually seeking to understand your spouse's current needs, stresses, worries, friends, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. We need to better understand how our spouses really perceive love. Here's the link to take the 5 Love Languages Quiz. It also goes deeper and more personalized than that, so keep exploring what helps you feel most connected and loved!
45. Nurture your fondness & admiration.
Every now and then, stop yourself and just dwell on all the things you spouse does do, and all the little things you do admire about him/her. As you do this, your tender appreciation grows, and these inner feelings affect how you interact and treat your spouse. Just as people choose to dwell on their frustrations, "nurturing fondness," is also a choice.
46. Sometimes just go to bed!
We don’t always believe in the adage to "never go to bed angry." Our kids sure struggle when they are overtired, and so do we. In a moment of frustration, when tired and cranky, sometimes it is best just to go to bed. You'll likely wake up in the morning with a renewed perspective!
47. Turn towards each other rather than away.
48. Inspire the best in each other.
Choose to see the immense good in the other and treat each other as such. You are your spouses greatest supporter, and as you believe in him/her, they will aspire to really become that. Tell him or her today one great attribute you see!
49. Hold your wife close.
Sometimes just hold your wife close, let her cry to you, let you unload all her feelings, tell her that your love for her and your relationship is more important than any problem to be solved. If you spouse is inwardly hurt and being hurtful, sometime hold him and show an outpouring of love.
50. See your spouse as a person.
Sometimes we can view those closest to us as objects to blame or criticize. Remember that your spouse is a person, a part of you, that has real concerns and needs just as legitimate and important as your own!
I hope we all can be filled with hope and charity and seek to just make ONE small step and change for the better!
The article:
Don't worry... you don't need to do all 50 :). And some of these ideas won't apply to your situation in life. But, I hope this list inspires you to just try ONE and re-focus on the person you love! I think it's so easy, with the stresses of parenting or working or life, to neglect giving daily love and attention to our most important relationship on earth. In marriage, we are completely known for who we are and our spouses get our best and our very worst. Luckily we can continually learn and grow as a person and a couple. Being married to my very best friend is the biggest blessing in life!!
If you ever feel that your marriage could be stronger or you feel your relationship needs a re-charge (which is always does), pick one that works for you and have fun!! I so believe that discovering ways to show love in YOUR SPOUSE'S LANGUAGE and re-discovering your FRIENDSHIP over and over again is what builds a strong marriage! So I hope one idea may help...
1. Choose to act, not re-act.
Isn't it so natural to react to others, to become offended when someone is offensive?! To mentally blow up your spouse's faults to justify your "better," standing? To reflect shortness to someone's being short or irritable? You cannot ever change others, but you have the power to choose how you act and how you love.
2. Be the first to change.
My husband and I once heard the advice to look into a “mirror,” when there’s any particular marriage issue…definitely NOT in an effort to blame yourself, but to ask yourself, “How can I change or make things better?” Or, “What can I do differently?” Really, you are the only thing you can control, and your efforts can and may inspire your spouse.
3. Flirt with each other.
It's funny how we totally flirt while dating, but once we're married we can easily forget to be fun with each other! Just because you've snagged him or her, don't stop flirting. Try to bring it back :).
4. Laugh more.
Remember when you were dating and you laughed about everything? We all can get into a rut and forget to have fun, but we need to be able to laugh at ourselves, and to not be so serious all the time. The other night, my husband and I were bantering and laughing, and I caught a glimpse of my son’s wide eyes and sheepish smile. Children secretly light up inside when they see their parents laugh and connect!
5. Text each other.
Surprise him with a spontaneous, flirty text, or a sentence about why you are so grateful for her. Finding small ways to connect during the day makes a difference.
6. Initiate intimacy.
Through extensive research and experience in married couples therapy, Dr. Willard Harley discussed the top 10 marital needs in his book "His Needs. Her Needs." The needs that women rated as their top 5 were typically men's bottom 5, and vice versa. Harley explains that the marital need of "sexual fulfillment" doesn't necessarily mean just quantity, but even more - quality. Interestingly, men feel most fulfilled and loved only when they feel their spouse is also desiring and also fulfilled. Dr. Harley counsels wives in therapy to discover how they personally can enjoy intimacy more and more, prepare for it, and especially choose to initiate.
7. Offer praise and show appreciation.
When your husband or wife works hard, or does something for you, let him or her know you appreciate them! Everyone desires to feel understood and valued. In a moment where you could become frustrated, first think of something you could be grateful for in your spouse. Interestingly, researchers have found that "praise and appreciation" are actually one of men’s top five needs in marriage.
8. Drop everything.
Try putting aside your eternal to-do lists just for a moment, and give your husband or wife your sincere, undivided attention.
9. Start a hobby together.
With our babies asleep at home one night, we decided to write a “bucket list” of fun things we wanted to do together. We love rock-climbing, so we've started buying the gear. Find something you both would enjoy!
10. Read a book together.
11. Plan a date night.
Even if it is in your own home, when the kiddos are asleep (but I love it when we actually leave the house!). If you need some fun date night ideas, click here. It’s so important to have that time to fall in love all over again - just the two of you. Find what works for you, and maybe even officially ask each other out!
12. True love is never about you.
I love the article "Marriage Isn't for You"where we learn "you marry to make someone else happy." How can you build, and serve, and add to the happiness and well-being of your spouse?
13. Feel beautiful.
Trying to oversee that four people get their teeth brushed, clothes on, hair done, and tummies fed means it’s easy for me to get last pickings on personal time. One day with all my little buddies finally strapped in car seats, we made it all the way to the store before I realized I forgot my own shoes! However, I have made it my New Year’s resolution wife-goal to somehow find a way to feel more beautiful for my husband, because it seriously makes such a difference to me.
14. Remember the "real" golden rule.
In marriage, it’s not just treating your spouse the way you want to be treated, but meeting their needs in the way they want. This takes lots of time, practice, trying and understanding - over and over again.
15. Make a surprise breakfast.
16. Say you are sorry (sincerely).
Say you are sorry even before your spouse does, and irregardless of whether he/she gives an apology, too. I love the quote by Ruth Bell Graham, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
17. Remember the power of touch.
Spontaneously decide to dedicate an entire day to as many random acts of physical touch as possible… back scratches, hugging while talking, touches in passing, etc.
18. Write a fun love note.
Maybe a "Top 10 Things I Love about My Wife," on the bathroom mirror, or post-it notes or a letter thrown in his car, or on the bedroom door.
19. Light candles and give each other massages.
20. Grab a kiss while you wait.
Kiss your husband or wife while you're waiting at the stoplight, or in the food drive-through, or at the grocery store...just because.
21. Remember the power of exits and entrances.
As you and your spouse say goodbye's and reunite again after a long day, be aware of how you show love during these important cross roads.
22. Take interest in each other's interests.
Doesn’t it make you feel close to someone when they take a keen interest in what you love?! If it matters to your spouse, then it should matter to you because you love them.
23. Dance together.
Dance in the kitchen, in the parking lot, under the stars, in your home, anywhere... as long as you both would enjoy that.
24. Verbally show appreciation for your spouse in front of your family and friends.
When with his family, for example, share real sincere appreciation for what your husband does or who he is. When you are around her friends, mention something specific you love about her.
25. Buy or make a surprise gift.
Surprise her with a fun gift that she would really enjoy. Or save the money and don't buy anything, if that's his love language!
26. Find some sanity at home.
No matter how much we all work together on cleaning and organizing our house, it usually feels so overwhelming. I do care about the environment of our home because it does affect everyone, especially me and my ability to focus more on relationships. I've also found that cleaning together as a couple can also be a good time to chat.
27. Encourage his hobbies.
It will make a huge difference, and help him to feel more balanced, and to be his best self. I sure need this, and I know he does too.
28. Take a hike or walk, while holding hands.
29. Eat an ice cream cone together.
Buy one large cone and eat it together at the same time.
30. Pray together each night.
Recently I attended a wedding ceremony where I heard some of the best marriage advice, it was this, "As you are praying together, express 1) something you love/appreciate about your spouse and 2) what you personally want to work on (to improve yourself)." If you're not a praying couple, you could just verbalize this to each other.
31. Have a wrestling match.
32. Exercise together.
One time, while doing a P90x workout, my husband caught me drinking milk during a "water break"... and dunking Oreos.
33. Cuddle while watching a movie.
34. Make his favorite treat.
35. Play a game together.
I kind of pride myself on being undefeated in Settler's...
36. Look in her eyes.
Try looking your wife straight in the eyes when she talks to you, to show her that she is your number one at that moment. Walking over to her and being close helps you be more focused on her, and helps to show you care.
37. Stick to the budget the two of you have worked out.
38. Let her sleep in.
Your wife probably seems to be the one who is always getting up with the kids, or getting up before you do. Let her sleep in from time to time. She will love you for it.
39. Smile.
Sometimes we are so bombarded with what we are doing we forget to smile. When your spouse is around or walks in the room, try smiling more.
40. Cook her favorite meal.
Even if you don't know how to cook very well. Do a little research, call your mom, and surprise her with a special meal. It will mean a lot to her.
41. Say, "I love you," in creative ways.
It's easy to say the words "I love you," but it is way more fun to leave those words for your spouse to find in creative ways. Spell it out with cereal, with lipstick on the bathroom mirror, or little game pieces while you're playing a board game.
42. Offer to help.
Your husband or wife has a kajillion things going on and it never hurts to take him or her by the shoulders and just say, "What can I do to help?"
(#43-#45 come from the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage.)
43. Soften your startup.
John Gottman wrote "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and hisresearch shows that “discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. … If you start an argument harshly – meaning you attack your spouse verbally – you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup – meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse – the discussion is likely to be productive."
44. Enhance your "love map."
Dr. Gottman describes how couples need a "richly detailed love map," which means continually seeking to understand your spouse's current needs, stresses, worries, friends, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. We need to better understand how our spouses really perceive love. Here's the link to take the 5 Love Languages Quiz. It also goes deeper and more personalized than that, so keep exploring what helps you feel most connected and loved!
45. Nurture your fondness & admiration.
Every now and then, stop yourself and just dwell on all the things you spouse does do, and all the little things you do admire about him/her. As you do this, your tender appreciation grows, and these inner feelings affect how you interact and treat your spouse. Just as people choose to dwell on their frustrations, "nurturing fondness," is also a choice.
46. Sometimes just go to bed!
We don’t always believe in the adage to "never go to bed angry." Our kids sure struggle when they are overtired, and so do we. In a moment of frustration, when tired and cranky, sometimes it is best just to go to bed. You'll likely wake up in the morning with a renewed perspective!
47. Turn towards each other rather than away.
48. Inspire the best in each other.
Choose to see the immense good in the other and treat each other as such. You are your spouses greatest supporter, and as you believe in him/her, they will aspire to really become that. Tell him or her today one great attribute you see!
49. Hold your wife close.
Sometimes just hold your wife close, let her cry to you, let you unload all her feelings, tell her that your love for her and your relationship is more important than any problem to be solved. If you spouse is inwardly hurt and being hurtful, sometime hold him and show an outpouring of love.
50. See your spouse as a person.
Sometimes we can view those closest to us as objects to blame or criticize. Remember that your spouse is a person, a part of you, that has real concerns and needs just as legitimate and important as your own!
I hope we all can be filled with hope and charity and seek to just make ONE small step and change for the better!
There are a few things I've come to realize as my marriage was/is falling apart.
1. It doesn't matter who sweeps the floor.
2. Having alone time doesn't mean we don't love one another or that we even want time away from the other.
3. I need to work on:
A) being more trustful. He's not given me a reason not to trust him, and he shouldn't have to suffer because I have trust issues.
B) not being so negative. My kids and Steven do many positive things and have many positive qualities. I need to acknowledge those things more.
C) I need to approach conversations better, not take everything as a personal attack, take some time and slow down before responding.
D) take Steven's feelings into account.
E) not nitpicking.
F) expressing my love for Steven more effectively. G) not throwing things back in his face. I need to forgive and move on.
H) not lose my shit over petty and minute things.
This will all be a copious amount of work, but I am going to do my best. I know I can do better.
I just hope Steven will give me a chance.
I've been shitty and selfish.
He deserves better than that. So I'm going to do better.
Ideas thus far:
Make a list of things every day of things I love and appreciate about steven.
2 nights a week where he can play his games, have some personal time, and not get upset about it.
Have a date night once a week. Dates don't have to be expensive or even going out to do things.
Stay off the laptop and my phone.
We can sit and read together.
Play board/card games together.
Watch a movie or a show with some popcorn.
Do a chore chart. We've previously discussed this and it was a good idea.
1. It doesn't matter who sweeps the floor.
2. Having alone time doesn't mean we don't love one another or that we even want time away from the other.
3. I need to work on:
A) being more trustful. He's not given me a reason not to trust him, and he shouldn't have to suffer because I have trust issues.
B) not being so negative. My kids and Steven do many positive things and have many positive qualities. I need to acknowledge those things more.
C) I need to approach conversations better, not take everything as a personal attack, take some time and slow down before responding.
D) take Steven's feelings into account.
E) not nitpicking.
F) expressing my love for Steven more effectively. G) not throwing things back in his face. I need to forgive and move on.
H) not lose my shit over petty and minute things.
This will all be a copious amount of work, but I am going to do my best. I know I can do better.
I just hope Steven will give me a chance.
I've been shitty and selfish.
He deserves better than that. So I'm going to do better.
Ideas thus far:
Make a list of things every day of things I love and appreciate about steven.
2 nights a week where he can play his games, have some personal time, and not get upset about it.
Have a date night once a week. Dates don't have to be expensive or even going out to do things.
Stay off the laptop and my phone.
We can sit and read together.
Play board/card games together.
Watch a movie or a show with some popcorn.
Do a chore chart. We've previously discussed this and it was a good idea.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
Man I sound like a whiny little cunt. Accurate. But oh well.
Things lately have been shit.
I don't think I've ever been so burnt out or defeated in my life.
I wish I could make them better.
But after constantly fighting with Steven, I find myself at this momemt exhausted and I don't have anything left to give right now.
I am aware that I cause the fights, and that its me that makes things worse around here.
And now that I am at this point of realization, I find I have no energy to try to improve things.
Not today anyway.
Today, I want to stay in bed, and cry. All day.
If I could, trust me, I would.
Life stops for no one.
I am exhausted. Emotionally and spiritually burnt out.
I feel like I just can't feel better.
That I'll be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life.
I don't want that.
I want to openly and freely express love to those of whom I feel it.
I want to not feel hopeless every minute of every day.
But I fear I will spend the rest of my life in this pit of despair.
If it were as simple as change my outlook, then the problem would be solved.
But alas, its not.
Fuck.
I don't think I've ever been so burnt out or defeated in my life.
I wish I could make them better.
But after constantly fighting with Steven, I find myself at this momemt exhausted and I don't have anything left to give right now.
I am aware that I cause the fights, and that its me that makes things worse around here.
And now that I am at this point of realization, I find I have no energy to try to improve things.
Not today anyway.
Today, I want to stay in bed, and cry. All day.
If I could, trust me, I would.
Life stops for no one.
I am exhausted. Emotionally and spiritually burnt out.
I feel like I just can't feel better.
That I'll be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life.
I don't want that.
I want to openly and freely express love to those of whom I feel it.
I want to not feel hopeless every minute of every day.
But I fear I will spend the rest of my life in this pit of despair.
If it were as simple as change my outlook, then the problem would be solved.
But alas, its not.
Fuck.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
The Actual and Inevitible Challenge Of Motherhood
Being a mom is really fucking hard.
I see other moms with one kid, clean house, they look tidy and kept, and here I am lugging two kids around looking like I'm in a game of Jumanji (thank you ecards for the amusing yet accurate joke)
I see these other moms, lovingly cooing over their children, delighting in them, and looking fantastic, and I am filled with resentment stained envy.
Why cant I look like a million bucks, clean clothes, makeup, carefully constructed curls, and still enjoy my children? I can barely stand being around them some days. I love them immensely, but fuck, they're exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, they drain your energy like a dementor.
I just want to enjoy my kids. And look good. Who knew that was so much to ask.
Fuck.
I see other moms with one kid, clean house, they look tidy and kept, and here I am lugging two kids around looking like I'm in a game of Jumanji (thank you ecards for the amusing yet accurate joke)
I see these other moms, lovingly cooing over their children, delighting in them, and looking fantastic, and I am filled with resentment stained envy.
Why cant I look like a million bucks, clean clothes, makeup, carefully constructed curls, and still enjoy my children? I can barely stand being around them some days. I love them immensely, but fuck, they're exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, they drain your energy like a dementor.
I just want to enjoy my kids. And look good. Who knew that was so much to ask.
Fuck.
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