Today, I saw a counselor for the first time in years.
It was productive and I felt a good first step to recovery.
Steven came with me and I was so happy and at peace because he was there with me.
But today, the adoption hit me really hard.
The things people told me, and in turn, I told myself about this all and how it would be, just simply wasn't true.
No, it hasn't gotten easier as time has gone on. I still cry about it. Often. I still struggle to get out of bed because I am so sad because I miss her so much. I am still heartbroken that I don't get to be there for her, experience her firsts, comfort her when she cries, and celebrate with her when she's happy.
No matter how much I try to say that its better because I get to see her and spend time with her, its not. In fact its almost worse. But at the same time, it'd be bad because never seeing her would be awful. Its not a win win situation by any means.
Those years are gone forever. I will never get the time back.
And it makes me incredibly sad.
I wish I could go take her back, I never would, but I wish sometimes that I could.
I wish that she was mine. That she would call me Mom.
I miss her so immensely much.
God, this hurts so much.
Who knew there was such a term as "Birthmother Grief."
But there is.
And it makes sense.
Because sometimes, its like she died.
I carried her.
Felt her move inside me.
Loved her.
Heard her heartbeat.
Gave birth to her.
Laid eyes on her.
Fell in love.
And then she was gone.
And that was it.
Gone.
Yes I still see her every now and then.
But she's a stranger to me.
I don't know what her cries mean.
I don't know what kind of formula she is on.
I don't know anything like that.
I am not her Mom.
But she is still my daughter.
Its like she died.
I found out tonight that people think I am going to change my mind about the adoption.
And I understand that they didn't mean it as an insult or a personal attack.
But it still makes me sad that they talk about me in that way behind my back.
So much sadness.
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